Purim Spiel 5758 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [The stage is set with a long table and a bunch of folding chairs.] [Everyone comes on stage and mills around. Someone klops the table, and everyone says one of their lines from later in the spiel, quickly and overlapping.] 1: What was that? 2: That was the hashkama spiel. [All form a "chorus line" holding paper-plate masks over their faces. Music starts up and as each line is sung the next person in line puts down his or her mask.] (To the tune of "Comedy tonight" from Forum) 1. Something aggadic, 2. Something melodic, 3. Something for everyone: All: A purim spiel tonight! 4. Something talmudic, 5. And theraputic, 6. Something for everyone: All: A purim spiel tonight! 7. Something that's short, 8. Something with wit, (I have to say that; it's in the script!) [holds up script] 9. Something aggadic, 10. Something melodic, 11. Something for everyone in sight, 12. Tsuris tomorrow, All: Purim spiel tonight. [Music vamps over dialogue] 1: Gee, what should the purim spiel be about this year? 2: I have an idea! Let's do a dance show; we can call it "RebbeTanz"! [Pronounce hoe-ras to emphasize pun:] 3: No, no, we can call it "Little Shlep of Horas!" 1: I don't know about that. We can't even get the words right with the scripts in our hands; I don't think we could learn the choreography in time. 2. Yeah, it would be like having Dlew Bredsoe dancing on stage. All: Oy! [Singing resumes] Something for everyone: A purim spiel tonight! [Music vamps over dialogue] 4. We could do parodies of recent Broadway shows that have toured in Boston. 5. Something like "Miss Chai-gone?" 6. Or "Chicago" 5. What does "Chicago" have to do with Shaarei Tefillah? 6. I don't know! 4. OK, maybe not. [Singing resumes] Something for everyone: A purim spiel tonight! As for the kids, Don't fret your brain: Wir koennen Yiddish, sie nit vershteyn. Something sardonic, Something moronic, Something for everyone in sight! Tsuris tomorrow, Purim spiel tonight! [Music vamps...] 6. We could do Sondheim.... 7. Nah, too Jewish.... [Singing] Purim spiel tonight! [Music vamps....] 1. We should honor Avi Rockoff. He's written the spiel for years! 2. Well, he's a dermatologist; we could present a skin flick. [Hold out arm and "flick" the skin] Flick! Flick! [Singing] Purim spiel tonight! [Music vamps...] 1. I've got it! Let's just do a bunch of scenes that have nothing to do with each other, and forget about any semblance of a plot! 2. Yeah! If anyone asks, we'll just tell them there's a kabbalistic unity and that each scene represents a different sefirah. 3. That's a great idea, but we still need to give them a title.... 4. How about "Zohar, zo good"? [All sing] Something with laughs, Something with songs, Something to please the seudah throngs. Something aggadic, Something melodic, Somebody please turn down the lights! Tsuris tomorrow, Purim spiel Tonight! [Exeunt] * * * [Sound of a recording from offstage.] [Ring... Ring...] Shalom and thank you for calling the Greater Boston Eruv Corporation for March 12, Yom Purim. The eruv has been schecheted -- no, that's not right.... The eruv is schikker -- um, no.... all despairs have been made and the eruv is up... to no good. Ha-eruv baduk -- and what it's doing in the duke I don't want to know! Chag sameach! [Click.] * * * [Two MiBH enter. They are wearing dark suits (?), Ray-Bans, and, of course, Black Hats.] Yod: I don't get it, Kaf, vhat are we doing here? Kaf: Hold on, Yod, you'll see. [A young man walks by.] Kaf: Excuse me, sir, but have you lain tefillin yet today? Man: Um, er, no, I haven't. Kaf: Would you mind stepping into the mitzvahmobile, sir? [Kaf escorts man to back of stage. There's a flash of light.] Kaf: OK, son, you were walking to the Israel Book Store to buy a set of tzitit; and you're thinking of coming to Chabad for dinner Friday night. Yod: Hey, Kaf, don't go abusing that flashy-thing. [Kaf returns] Kaf: Listen, Yoddele, when you're the senior MiBH you can make the decisions. Narrator: Men in Black Hats. Coming soon to a street corner near you. Narrator: And now, "My Fair Lainer" [Three characters enter: Prof. Joshua Jacobson, world-famous expert on accents, stresses, etc.; Col. Pick, recently returned from Hodu; and Eliezer Doesnothing, a student... Dialog introduces these characters.] ED: Won't anybody buy my flahrs? CP: What's your name, young man? ED: Ellllieyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyzuh Dooooooooooesnuttin' JJ: Oh, just listen to that Southie accent! CP: Are you by any chance the famous professor of phonics, Joshua Jacobson? JJ: I am. CP: I am Colonel Pickering (but everyone just calls me Dr. Pick), and I've just returned from Hodu to find you! JJ: Pick, I'll wager that I could take that poor creature there and teach him to leyn Torah -- correctly -- in six months. I could even pass him off as Aaron Katchen! CP: Really, Jacobson, that's too much to believe. JJ: Come, young lad, and I'll teach you dikduk! ED: I'm a good boy, I am, and I don't think that's proper! [The three walk upstage together] Narr: Several weeks later, after a particularly tough lesson.... [ED returns to the front of the stage] [To the tune of "Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins"] ED: 'ust you wait, 'oshua 'acobson, 'ust you wait. You'll be sorry but your tears will be too late. You will try to ask mechilah, I'll be lost in my tefillah, 'ust you wait, 'oshua 'acobson, o ho ho, 'oshua 'acobson, 'ust you wait! [JJ and CP rejoin him] JJ: Come, come, you must concentrate! Repeat after me: Ve-a-hav-TA et Hashem EloKEcha ED: ve-a-HAV-ta es Hashem El-O-ke-CHO JJ: No, no, no! Here, try this one: ve-na-ta-TA sha-LOM ba-A-retz... ED: va-naw-SA-taw SHAW-lom... JJ: I give up, Pick. It simply can't be done. CP: Give him one more chance, Jacobson. JJ: Very well, one last phrase: a-NIM ze-mi-ROT be-shi-RIM e-e-ROG ED: [sings] A-nim ZMI-ros ve-SHI-rim E-rog. JJ: No, no, no! ED: a-NIM ze-mi-ROT ve-shi-RIM e-e-ROG? JJ: Yes! That's it! [To the tune of "The rain in spain..."] ED: a-NIM zmi-ROT ve-shi-RI-IM e-e-ROG All: a-NIM zmi-ROT ve-shi-RI-IM e-e-ROG JJ: Ki eylecha nafshi mah? ED: Ta-a-ROG! Ta-a-ROG! All: a-NIM zmi-ROT ve-shi-RI-IM e-e-ROG. JJ: (spoken) Gott von Avraham, I think he's got it! Come, Pick, we must plan which parsha he will leyn.... [Exit JJ and CP, excitedly talking] ED: I could have layned all day, I could have layned all day, And still have begged for more. Read all of D'varim, and then some more psukim, And sang L'dor va-dor. Were I Christian, you'd find me gen- uflecting I read just so, and Josh did no Correcting! And when I learn to layn Just like Aaron Kat-shayn I'll get to layn, layn, layn All right! * * * Sol K: The group for children ages 3-5 is now meeting in the room adjoining the shul. [All actors come in on their knees, playing the children.] An adult: Today I'm going to read you the story of the three little pigs --- er, chickens. Children: Yay! Adult: Once upon a time there were three little pigs --- er, chickens. And they each lived in a different house. One was made out of straw, one out of wood, and one out of bricks. One day, a big, bad Wolfe came and said, [Enter Michael Wolfe] Michael: "Can we move in with you? Our house *still* isn't done." Adult: The end. Children: Yay! Adult: Now, let's sing a song! [Children sing, to the tune of the "Sesame Street" theme:] Suuuunday, chasing the crowds away, Lots of shopping there, that's where we'll eat, Can you tell me how to get through the construction on Harvard Street? Thursday night, Butcherie's such a fright, Lots of people fight to buy their meat, Can you tell me how to get through the construction on Harvard Street? [Exeunt -- or at least everyone turns upstage] * * * Narrator: Next on NBC, the hit show "Chevrutas" [To the tune of the theme from "Friends" ("I'll be there for you")] All: So no one told you daf was gonna be this way (clap-clap-clap-clap) Those sefarim cost, you're lost, You're back on page 2a! Because you never know what's going on, And you don't get Rashi, Rashbam, Rif, Rashbash, or even the Ran, But... [singers whip out their Artscroll editions] Artscroll's there for you (when the words are confusing) Artscroll's there for you (and the logic is bruising) Artscroll's there for you And it's there for me, too. [Six members of the Daf Yomi group walk in and sit around the table, drinking coffee -- well, orange juice.] 1: Hi, guys. How's the orange juice today? 2: Not bad. 3: You know what I like about Daf Yomi? 4: What? 3: All the Entenmann's you can eat. 5: And sometimes we even talk about the gemara! 6: That reminds me... I'm a little puzzled by this week's topic. [To the tune of "Tomorrow"...] Talmid 1: The daf that we'll learn Tomorrow Is about a farmer who Must borrow To buy seed. Talmid 2: But didn't we learn, In toroh, That the interest makes it an Aveiroh, 'Cause of greed? Talmid 3: When I'm stuck on a blatt, With lot- s of kashyas, I just go to my rav, And sob, And say... Talmid 4: We're trying to learn Gemara, But we need to learn from our Mara D'Atra! All: Gemara! Gemara! We're learning gemara! It's only a daf a day. Gemara! Gemara! And soon, kinnahora, We'll know what it has to say. Talmid 5: It says on this daf Gemara, That the kohen gadol takes The parah Adumah, Talmid 2: But how can its ash, With water, [?] When it's sprinkled bring forth both Tahara, And tumah? Talmid 3: When I'm stuck on a blatt, With lot- s of kashyas, I just go to my rav, And sob, And say... All: Oy! Gemara! Gemara! We're learning gemara! It's only a daf a day. Gemara! Gemara! And soon, kinnahora, We'll know what it has to say! Talmid 6: And elsewhere in the Gemara, The masechet of Avodah Zarah Is quite hard. Talmid 5: We've learned how to seek Kaparah. Talmid 4: And we've read aggadahs about Sarah and Hagar. All: Gemara! Gemara! And now, sayonara, It's time to go home again. Gemara! Gemara! Shamai'a ve-`ara, V'im'ru Amen! * * * Narrator: No one expects the Spanish Intermission! [INTERMISSION] [Enter Erik Bittner. He takes measurements on the table (if we can put something on top of the table to make it more shtender-like, that would be great). He looks around and, seeing that he is quite alone, folds his arms and smiles a happy smile.] Erik: Love my shtenders --- From my seat, I can see all three. Top to bottom, Heads to feet, They were made by me. [Three people run in and stop Erik from continuing.] 1: Stop! Stop! Erik: What's wrong? 2: We are from CEPMAPS. Erik: CEPMAPS? I've never heard of it. Is it a worthy yeshiva, collecting money to ensure the future of our Jewish youth? 3: No, CEPMAPS is the Committee to Ensure that Purim is Mentioned in All Purim Spiels. Erik: Oh. Well, I guess now you've mentioned it and I can finish my song. [Motions to pianist to resume] 1: Not so fast! You can't just MENTION Purim. You have to retell the story, with songs and masks and bad puns! 2: Yes. You've had the songs and masks, 3: And goodness knows you've had the bad puns! 2: But you haven't told the Purim story. [Others enter] 1: So we've brought our own scripts, and you'll have to perform them, and then we'll let you finish yours. [They hand Erik and some of the others scripts. Erik looks at his.] Erik: But.... but there are Gilbert and Sullivan songs in here! [Others shriek!] 2: Of course there are. G&S are obligatory. 3: CEGASROIPS says so. Erik: CEGASROIPS? 1,2,3: The Committee to Ensure that Gilbert And Sullivan Remain Obligatory In Purim Spiels. [ Erik never gets to finish his song. And that means Andrew doesn't have to finish writing it! ] [ To the tune of the Pirate King's song -- we'll distribute these lines based on how many people we have.] Oh, at a party long ago, (In Shushan if you have to know,) Queen Vashti's grace was widely hailed, But the king made threats that were thinly-veiled. But Vashti must have lost her head, She disobeyed and soon was dead. And that's the start of the song we'll sing Of Achashverosh, the Persian king. For he was a Persian king! He was! Hoorah for the Persian king! And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Persian king. It is! Hoorah for the Persian king! Hoorah for the Persian king! But soon the king felt all alone, With no one there to share his throne. To find a queen both young and pretty He formed a replacement search committee. Now Esther had a 150 IQ, Was president of Hadassah, too. She spun the dreidle every Channukah [Long pause... "What rhymes with Channukah? Konica? Salonica? Aha! I have it!"] And loved to play on her haaaaar-monica. Soon she was a Persian queen! She was! Hoorah for the Persian queen! And she was quite keen, if you know what we mean To be a Persian queen! She was! Hoorah for the Persian queen! Hoorah for the Persian queen! One night the king, insomniac, Told Morty to ride on horseback. So Haman's blood began to boil He got a flush, but wasn't royal. Despite his plots, the worst occurred, Now Haman hangs on her every word... And Mordechai is vizier And raises taxes every day. For, he is a Persian prime mmmmminister! He is! Hoorah for the Persian prime mmmmmminister! And perhaps, perhaps there's something sinister In being a Persian prime mmmmminister! There is! Hoorah for the Persian prime mmmmminister! Hoorah for the Persian prime Mmmmmmmminister! [Exeunt] * * * [Enter Sol K] Sol K: Please give your attention to the Rabbi's dvar Torah. [The Rabbi walks up, carrying two armloads of books. He places them around the shtender. He looks up at the audience and grins his usual infectious grin. A moment later, two other people walk up with two armloads of books and add them to the Rabbi's pile. He rearranges them all, looks up, and grins. A beat later, someone comes in with a two-wheeler, wheeling a couple of boxes labelled "Sefarim for Shabbos Drash"] Gut Shabbos. And a special welcome to all our guests, especially those who have travelled so far to be with us today, the people who schlepped in all the way from Newton to Brookline to share our Purim Seudah. We read in this week's sidra, parsha*s* Ki *T*isa --- I mean, parsha*t* Ki *S*iso --- and we all remember what the sea saw --- we read about many interesting things. First, we read about the collection of the shekalim, from which the Rabbis learned the halacha that synagogues should have dues. Immediately after, we read about the construction of the Mishkan, from which we learn that we are also chayyav to have a building fund. Something that has no relevance at all to this week's parsha is the Amud ha-esh. As we read in "sefer had'varim shel Bartlett", [looks through several books] "B'makom sheyesh bo ashan, yesh bo esh." In a place where there is smoke, you should find an ashtray. This amud haesh is relevant to the upcoming chag of Pesach. And how can one discuss Pesach without citing that famous sage who wrote all about Pesach but whose works ironically cannot be read on that holiday, the "Chometz Chayim"? In the Chometz Chayim's famous work, the "Lechem Mishna Berurah", [searches for book while people react -- I hope -- to the pun] he discusses the connection between the amud haesh and the midbar: [Reads from the book:] "But why did the amud ha-esh only appear in the midbar? After they entered the Land, the amud haesh ceased. In fact, it did not start until yitziyas mitzrayim. From this, we learn that the yetziyah was a necessary component of the esh." The Ramaco writes --- you know the Ramaco, the Revised Massachusetts Acts and Codes --- Siman 247, seif 12, brings this down as one of the mitzvot: "There shall be periodic fire drills in any public building." This reminds me of a great Chassidishe story. It seems that the great Maggid of Nagano would climb up the mountains wearing his skis, but ride the chair lift down. His chassidim said to him, "Rebbe, why do you exert so much effort going up the mountain with skis, and down on the chair lift, when it would be easier to go up on the chair lift and down on the skis?" He replied to them [RBS chuckles to himself, then continues with a wise smile], "The lines are shorter this way." "The lines are shorter this way." "The lines are shorter this way." A lesson that we can all apply to our own lives. So may it be. Shabbat Shalom and Chag Purim Sameach. * * * Sol K: Please give your attention to the reading of the Torah. [Enter 2 people] 1: But the ba'al korei isn't here! 2: No problem, we'll get one of the standbys to lein. 1: Instant leiner! Just add water! 2: And the most famous leiner of all was Escamillio, in Bizet's "Carmen". 1: Um, , Escamillio wasn't a leiner, he was a bullfighter. 2: Sure, he was a leiner. He was a torreador! [To the tune of the torreador's song (Carmen)] Torah reader, on call, Torah reader, Torah reader If the ba'al korei isn't here, You'll lain up to maftir! You'll have to lein it all, And stand up tall, Torah reader on call. Sol K: The group for children born between January 17, 1989 and September 3, 1992 is meeting in the stairs going down to the kiddush room.... * * * [Enter all] 1: This year, we were zocheh to perform a ritual that only comes once every twenty-eight years. 2: We voted in a close mayoral election? 3: We got to gossip about whether the President should be impeached? 1: No, we got to recite the bracha on changing the light bulbs in the sanctuary! 4: Say, how many Shaarei Tefillah members *does* it take to change a light bulb? Erik Bittner: More than showed up! 1. Anyway, our Simchat Orah was a very spiritual experience. [Everyone starts swaying and singing a niggun. After a moment, a fluorescent bulb is passed from person to person (in the same swaying motion). Joshua Jacobson ascends the bimah in his kittel and chants in his best Yamim Noraim chazzanut] Josh: Or zaru'a latzaddik, ulyishrei lev simchah. [Repeat several times] Vayomer Elokim yehi or, vay'hi or. Lay'hudim hayta orah (orah orah) vsimcha vsasson viykar. Lo ra'u ish et achiv v'lo kamu ish mi-tach-tav shloshet yamim, ul'chol b'nei Yisrael haya or bamoshvoteichem. G.E., we bring good things to light! You light up my life.... [Congregation joins in] Cong: You light up my life, You give me hope, To carry on You light up my days And fill my nights with song. [***] 1: Oy, I'm beginning to feel lightheaded! [Exeunt] * * * Narrator: In the Broadway hit, Guys and Dolls, a gambler is saved from his compulsion by publically confessing at a revival meeting. What is little- known is that this show was originally called "Bochurim und Maidlen" and, since the characters were all Jews, they didn't confess their sins during prayer. No, this climactic scene took place... in the therapist's office. [The table is now a couch (need pillows). The therapist is sitting in a chair. The receptionist opens the door (mime this) and walks in with the patient.] Recep: Mr. Baruch-Hashem Goldberg. Doc: Mr. Baruch-Hashem Goldberg. [Shakes hands with patient, receptionist leaves. NNJ gets onto the "couch".] How are you doing, Mr. Goldberg. BHG: Baruch Hashem. Doc: What can I do for you today? BHG: Well, I came to this realization last night. It came to me in a dream, yeah, in a dream, I tell you! Doc: Tell me all about it, in your own words. [To the tune of "Sit down, you're rockin' the boat" (Guys and Dolls). At some point in the first verse, BHG gets up off the couch.] BHG: I dreamed last night I was asked to daven shacharis, Just like I've done, O so often in the past, But soon I knew that the kahal schepped no nachas, 'Cause the people there all knew slow from fast: For the people all said, "Slow down! Slow down, you're rushin' the shul!" [Chorus, offstage:] The people all said, "Slow down! Slow down, you're rushin' the shul! BHG: And the tempo will drag us under, 'Cause we can't compete in this speed-trap duel, All: Slow down, slow down, slow down, Slow down, you're rushin' the shul!" BHG: And in my dream, I had said Shemonah Esrei, And was waiting there to begin my chazarah, [waits. looks at watch. looks around. taps foot. waits some more] But the gabbi's glare could have been some sort of death ray, 'Cause the kahal was still back at Shema. [Backup singers: .... Hashem Echad] For the people all said, "Slow down, You're killing our kavannah," All: The people all said "Slow down! Yes, We're still saying Shma" And the tempo will drag us under, 'Cause we can't compete in this speed-trap duel, Slow down, slow down, slow down, Slow down, you're rushin' the shul!" BHG: And as I laughed and recited chatzi kaddish The silence echoed when no one said "Amen." So there I stood, and I hollered "Someone answer!" That's the moment I woke up, baruch Hashem! And I said to myself, slow down... Slow down, you're rushin' the shul. [Chorus enters] All: He said to himself, slow down, slow down, you're rushin' the shul, And the tempo will drag us under, 'Cause we can't compete in this speed-trap duel, Slow down, slow down, slow down, Slow down, you're rushin' the shul!" Slow down, you're rushing the shul! [Curtain]